i’m back to serve up another choose-your-own-adventure dream. it’s been a while since i’ve made one! let’s just jump into it, shall we? you’re exhausted!
you’re so cozy wrapped up in your lil sheets! so warm, so sleepy! let’s go through your pre-sleep fantasies, eh?
getting asked out by a sexy trader joe’s employee, gambling in las vegas with a celebrity crush, going to space, maybe? telling off that rude customer at work in a way that you’ve always meant to but haven’t, absolutely slaying some late art. your eyes get heavy, and suddenly? you’re asleep! let’s begin.
honk shoo mimimimi, am i right?
1
you’re working in an office. it’s a small little cubicle with a flickering light and you’re comforted by the sound of a ticking clock and the sound of your keyboard clickin’ away. you have no clue what your job is, but you sure have a lot of paperwork to get through! you pick up a quill, weird, and get to work. but every time you dip it into the ink jar the ink screams in pain. is it alive? it doesn’t look like it!
you stick the quill in and swirl and the ink just screams away. so inhumane! stop it! have some empathy!
your coworker pokes their head over your cubicle wall. “what the hell are you doing?” they ask. “what is this, the 1900’s? you know they outlawed ink use. hr’s gonna hear about this.” they say, spitting on your in the process. tooie!
oh no! you don’t wanna get snitched on! you watch your coworker get up and walk to the door, only in slow motion. you can’t lose your job! you’ve got a family to feed! you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to use the ink! you didn’t know it was against the law!! you’ve gotta stop them!
to tackle them to the ground … go to 2
to throw the ink on them … go to 4
2
suddenly you’re in a wrestling ring, in tights and everything, and use the ropes to hurl yourself onto your coworker. it’s not a fair fight. you’re kicking their ass! this comes as a surprise because usually in your dreams you lose every single brawl. why do you dream about fights so much? that’s something you should unpack later.
you form your hand into a claw shape and press it on your coworker’s head, forcing them into the ground.
“you feel that? that’s pressure.” you say. you just saw the iron claw. the claw works, dude. good for you!
the claw works so well your coworker dies. rip.
you’re in it now! now you’re really gonna get fired!
to make a run for it … go to 3
to try and hide the body … go to 6
3
you run so far away from the office that you’re now in a swamp. in florida! which is so much worse! your subconscious probably made the choice of swamp from that episode of naked and afraid you watched earlier. this is a cute swamp though! can swamps be cute? there’s water up to your waist, and you’re wearing uggs so they feel a bit soggy and heavy in the swamp water. but, don’t worry, you look chic!
wait, you look up from your uggs and realize you’re not wearing anything else! you’re naked! and afraid! there are some big mosquitoes everywhere, they’re pink and adorable but actually have human teeth. they’re horrifying to look at, but have really beautiful smiles, don’t they. hold up! they’re trying to bite your no no squares with their perfect teeth!!! yikes!
to try and cover your modesty from the mosquitoes using leaves nearby … go to 5
to dunk yourself into the water to see if there’s clothes down there to avoid the bites (weird, but it’s a dream, why not?) … go to 8
4
you take the ink jar (well? is it called an ink well? i don’t want to google it) and throw it on them. the ink takes form and stands up, its figure dripping ink onto that ugly office carpet. ew!
you and your coworker are GAGGED! is this why ink use is illegal? there’s no time for questions now! the ink begins to cry, it crumbles onto the floor and sobs, its tears are just blue ink, which is actually really beautiful when you think about it.
you hear a beautiful intro behind you, light piano and violins. where’s that coming from? the sentient ink being then begins to sing. you know this song! it’s i dreamed a dream from les miserables. a spotlight comes on and the office lights cut out. a gorgeous scene. they sing the entire song. it’s incredible and emotional. so moving!
by the end of the song the entire office is in tears, and all of a sudden they are also crying blue ink? so much ink that the office begins to flood! what! you all are swimming in ink! that’s gonna stain!! no wonder it’s illegal!
to open a window and try to jump out … go to 9
to accept your fate … go to 10
5
you pluck some leaves from a nearby shrub (do swamps have shrubs?) and fashion them together using spit and some hope. you cover your lil bits! ok fashionista!
but wait, why are you itchy all of a sudden? ahhh! those aren’t regular leaves, that’s poison oak!!! how could you forget “leaves of three let them be”?! you were so worried about your peepee being out you didn’t think!
now you’re itchy and swampy and have a no no bits rash. how horrible! the rash begins to spread to your belly, then your thighs, even your uggs get a bit splotchy! where’s benadryl when you need it?
but wait, what’s what? some glowing elixir seeping from a nearby tree? could that be the the cure to your itchies and bumpies?
to spread the elixir on your bits … go to 11
to say a prayer instead … go to 12
6
you’re a criminal. how are you going to manage this? thankfully, the office is empty. you call your bff into one of those makeup flip phones from the early 2000’s and beg for help.
“you wrestled your coworker to death?!” your bff asks, horrified.
“i got caught up! they were gonna snitch!” you say, but in a british accent. you get british when you’re nervous.
“i’ll be right there.” your bff says. thank god!
you clap the makeup flip phone shut and wait, but not for long! the elevators open and some pigs are inside. no, like, literal pigs. pigs in cop uniforms. they snort in a stern and disappointed manner. your bff called the fuzz on you!
the pigs waddle over to you, using their hooves (do pigs have hooves?) to cuff you. you cry and cry, yelling out that you’re sorry and didn’t mean it. too late for that!
the pigs take you down the elevator and into their pig car to take you to the station, only the station is just a barn. they throw you into a pile of manure to think about what you’ve done.
you wake up stressed and also angry at your bff. send them an audio message scolding them. they deserve it.
good morning!
8
splash! you’re now in the ocean! and you have a tail? don’t worry, you’re not a furry! you’re a mermaid! gorgeous! you don’t need any clothes now! you’ve got a shell bra!
you swim around, lookin’ at kelp and stuff. this is amazing! no need to worry about mosquitoes with teeth or uggs that may or may not be part of your body. how freeing!
you’re chatting with some of the fish in your little community. some of them have attitudes, but that’s okay! their scales are beautiful so their personalities don’t really matter, do they? that’s not shallow, oceans aren’t shallow, remember?
the fish begin to all gather together, swimming in a big circle, and you think it’s because they’re happy to see you until you realize they’re actually panicking, trying to protect you because a fishing boat with a huge net is coming your way!
you’re gonna be served in a can soon if you don’t act quick!
to try and avoid the net … go to 13
to accept your fate … go to 13
9
you jump out of the window and get that feeling of falling in your stomach. ugh! how weird! your brain makes that association and all of a sudden you’re on a roller coaster. are you at busch gardens? you are! and you’re on that wooden coaster that makes me nervous as all hell. i don’t ride wooden coasters because i worry about dying, but you don’t mind! you’re having the time of your life!
you’re dippin’, you’re spinnin’, you’re having a great time! you get off of the ride and take a photo with a giraffe, you get some ice cream, a cute hat. what a fun time!
you wake up and look up flights to florida, that park seems great!
good morning!!!
10
death is inevitable, isn’t it? you close your eyes knowing you did your best. people make mistakes and use ink even though it’s against the law, right? happens to the best of us.
you drown. aw! but don’t worry, you go to heaven! only your heaven a buffalo wild wings where the song she’s so high plays on repeat and you get to eat boneless wings for the rest of eternity. yum!
you wake up craving fried pickles and ranch, but you’re banned from door dash, grub hub, and uber eats for lying about not receiving your food so you could get more food- and for free! you’re committing crimes both in your dreams and real life, huh?
good morning, ya little felon!
11
you’re not going to do that because that’s gross. gold glowing elixir or not it’s not worth the risk. instead, you walk through the swamp, trying not to itch your junk, and eventually get to a city md, still naked. you whisper to the receptionist what the problem is and she asks for your insurance card, but you don’t have insurance! gah!
you pay out of pocket (metaphorically, of course. i don’t want to tell you where you pull out your wallet from) and go see the doctor. he’s hot, so this is extra embarrassing. he prescribes you some antibiotics and gives you a paper gown that rips with every step you take. you leave a trail of swamp water behind you as you leave.
you wake up and immediately check your nono bits for bumps! you’re all clear! then you check your wallet to make sure you’ve got your insurance card. thank god you’ve actually got insurance in real life. that doctor was super hot, where’s he from? better try and stalk on instagram.
good morning, itchy bits!
12
“please god, take away my itchiness. i’m too young to have groin issues!” i don’t know if that’s a compelling argument, but i guess it’s worth a try.
the sky opens up and god drops some calamine lotion. thanks god! you spread it all over your junk and the mosquitoes hate the smell of it and run (fly?) away. you feel better instantly! holy moly!
what a time to be alive! only, hold on, you get the feeling that god wants an offer from you as a thank you. but what do you have to give? your uggs, maybe? not your precious uggs! but what else is there?
you pry off your soggy uggs and hold them out for god to suck up into the sky like a ufo. no dice. you try to chuck them in the air for him to catch, maybe? but whoops! one of them conks you in the head! you pass out, fall into the water, and die.
you wake up with a weird headache and the feeling of water in your nose. are you getting sick? aw! feel better!
13
yeah, you got caught. sorry! you’re swept up with your fellow fish brethren, and even though some of them have a bad attitude, it feels good to know that even though you’re going to die, it’s comforting to die among friends.
you’re hoisted from the water onto the boat quickly you bonk your noggin on the floor! ouch! a bunch of fishermen are shocked to see you! they all lean in, they’ve obviously never seen a mermaid before. take a picture! it’ll last longer!
but one fisherman comes up the closest, in awe of you. wait, is that handsome actor billy crudup? but younger? guess that’s what happens when you google “billy crudup young”. you’ve been watching a lot of the morning show. he’s hot, i get it.
he’s in awe of your beauty! he’s enchanted, enamored. he’s down bad! he scoops you up, tends to your head, and you get to talking. you guys have a lot in common! you go on a date, start seeing each other seriously, settle down, have a few kids. ahh, what a dream.
you wake up with legs and no shell bra! you miss billy. you watch tiktok fan cams for too long and now you’re late to work. better hurry!