i don’t usually take requests when it comes to posts, but when my friend x reached out to me telling me that this would be a good idea for one i truly had to oblige. i asked people on my insta story what the dumbest animal to die by could be. i thought it would be fun to have a giggle, but some of these were actually interesting to look into. a lot of these were googled, but some of them came straight from my lil noggin because, little tidbit about me: i used to memorize animal facts as a kid because i was shy and wanted to make friends. now it’s come in handy!
let’s get into it:
koala (spelled kaola)
so it turns out that koalas actually attack people. one scratched the fuck out of a woman while she was walking her dogs. it left scars! she was worried it would get infected! damn! i didn’t realize their nails were that sharp. i also didn’t know they could move fast enough.
i don’t trust koalas because they spread chlamydia like crazy because they fuck so much.
if you didn’t know this, most (okay maybe not most) stds come from animals. something to think about.
snail/turtle
snail
this makes me think of that theory that annoying people bring up about The Snail That’s Always Trying To Kill You. “once you’re born there’s a snail assigned to follow you around and murder you”
why would you assume such a horrible thing when snails don’t even have thoughts? leave their slimy asses alone.
there are poisonous snails, however, called cone snails. they live under the sea, though, so i wouldn’t worry too much about it.
side note: i used to crush tiny snail shells as a kid because i forgot there were living things in there and i live with that guilt every day.
turtle
i don’t think this is that absurd! not all turtles are slow and some turtles can really fuck up some lettuce. what’s so different between lettuce and skin? i can imagine they’re fairly capable.
in my research i found that an “enormous turtle” swallowed a scientist. i have nothing else to say besides the fact that that is shocking and very sad. rip, king.
meerkat
first of all, a standing rat? what the fuck?
apparently meerkats are “homicidal maniacs” based off of this one article i found. the article actually said they’re “the most murderous mammals on the planet”. they’re a kind of rodent, i think, and we know those bitches like to eat their kids. and i don’t blame them!
that makes it sound like i want to eat a baby meerkat and i don’t want to. no one said that, but i don’t want you to think it. i also can’t because i have alpha gal syndrome.
also you’re gonna tell me that nathan lane and his little friends are killers? that was not in lion king 1 ½
birds (“how embarrassing”)
birds fuck people up, we know this. those australian birds, magpies, actually have their own season where they’re know to swoop down and attack people. they actually urge bikers to wear helmets, not for biking safety, but to protect your skull from their sharp ass beaks.
also, we’ve all seen the movie the birds. remember the bird flu? honestly, i feel like birds could really wreck our shit more than we’re giving them credit for.
fun fact: birds need gravity to digest their food, so nasa will never take a bird to space, and i think that’s really sad.
another fun fact: birds don’t have urethras so when they shit they also piss. it’s bird shit and piss, and i think that’s also really sad.
sloths??
when i googled “sloth attacking people” i found out from reddit that apparently sloths can actually strike very quickly and they don’t actually like being around people. i didn’t feel like looking more into this so i’m going to take reddit user EmptySpaceForAHeart on the subreddit Interistingasfuck’s word for it.
frogs
there are poisonous frogs! that’s not dumb that’s scary! the most poisonous frog is the golden poison frog. they couldn’t have come up with a better name? do my girl justice.
don’t tell the nonbinary teens about this. it’ll break their hearts.
sugar glider
you can have these little fucks as pets, so i’m not too worried about them. they bite, but it’s just as bad as a hamster bite, only sometimes those guys draw blood.
i mean this as an insult: sugar gliders look squishable, like in the way baby rats are all pink and gushy. don’t let one of those bitches near me.
caterpillar
there are some super poisonous caterpillars, particularly in south america. come to brazil!
i saw a tiktok of this chick who saw a super fuzzy caterpillar that looked like a hamster on her car and everyone in the comments was losing their SHIT because apparently they’re like the jellyfish of caterpillars. she apparently almost touched it and while i wish her the best i did want her to do it because i did want to see what would happen.
in summary? it’s not dumb to die by the hands (paws? claws?) of an animal! it was a trick question! but thanks to everyone who submitted! hope you don’t die from some these or any other animals but instead die in your sleep surrounded by your loved ones! and not right now but waay way in the future, if at all!