i watched the movie good luck chuck a fuck ton of times growing up because i went through a dane cook phase (that aged badly!) in good luck chuck we follow poor charlie “chuck” played by dane cook in his messy adulthood post-childhood curse. what do i mean by a post-childhood curse? when he was a kid a witchy goth girl placed one on him. the result was that any time he dated (or more specifically slept with) a woman, she’d immediately meet the love of her life following their encounter. this becomes a way for women to spread the word and use him to find their soulmate. eventually, he meets a terribly clumsy jessica alba (whose character name i don’t remember and don’t feel like googling) whom he develops strong feelings for and wants to pursue a relationship with. unfortunately, the curse makes him hesitant to develop something with her for fear of losing her to someone else, the person she’s “meant to be with”. i just gave you the entire plot which sounds pretty passable and appropriate and maybe even funny. know that this movie does not hold up or stand the test of time. it’s littered with mediocre acting, fatphobia, and consensual gray areas. i haven’t rewatched it in over ten years and honestly? i think i’m good.
now, where am i going with this? i was in three different relationships at the age of 19 and of my three exes two of them are married and one of them is mostly married. the partners they are with now are the first people they dated post-breakup with me. i’ve been in therapy long enough now to admit that i have absolutely developed a complex about this. i’m currently in a healthy, fulfilling, and long-term relationship with someone who i love dearly and think the world of, but find myself worrying that he could turn out to be my jessica alba: the person i’m scared to truly open up to for fear of losing him– of history repeating itself. the looming curse cloud is over my head! not all the time, but every once in a while i smell rain coming.
i watched good luck chuck enough times to take the sequence of break–ups (which were likely entirely coincidental as i did not piss off a goth girl in elementary school enough to make her cast a spell on me) and turn it into something i can be both aware and scared of from time to time. i’m working on it, okay! i’ve come a long way! i was single for five whole years after the break–ups and in that time i grew a lot. do i have some shit to deal with from them? sure! that’s what relationships are all about, even when they end you still carry pieces with you, whether you want to or not. i can regret the time, sure, but it doesn’t undo anything. all i can do is remember, process, take what i’ve learned with me, and leave the rest behind.
i can look back and realize that these guys were not winners by any means. i can mourn the relationships, and maybe even regret being in a few of them, and i can clown on them, too. i’m making it about me now! so for shits and giggles let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
below you’ll find a bulleted list of the qualities (red flags) my ex-boyfriends had that i looked over because i was 19 and stubborn. this serves as a way to remember that it just wasn’t a good match, and that by moving on they may have even done me a favor. i’m sure their wives love this about them, though! gotta love love!
they are all “he” as their quirks and traits all bleed together to me now.
he had an android
he named his dog after ross’ dog in friends
he kept photos of him and his ex-fiancé in a basket next to his bed
he told me he loved milk so much he wanted it at his wedding
he was a self-taught magician
he was addicted to weed but in an annoying way
he said going down on girls “wasn’t his thing”
he was rude to a server at a steak n’ shake in front of me on my birthday
he was a former stuntman
he said he was in a michael bay film but wouldn’t tell me which one (which made me think he was lying)
he (same as above) told me he had sex with a kardashian but wouldn’t tell me which one (which also made me think he was lying)
he sent me a dick pic after we broke up and told me it was an accident– i believe him but my friends don’t
he insisted on only ever talking to me over facebook messenger
he showed me a painting in his mom’s room that was a family tree in which she had painted his ex-fiancé's name on a leaf and then covered in a different shade of green
he was sleeping with other people and lying to me about it
he wanted to move with me to new york and when i told him no he broke up with me
he married the friend who introduced us
he always wanted to hang out with his ex-fiancé
he was with the girl he would later marry the entire time we were together
he didn’t know how to change a tire but lied about it, tried anyway, and nearly fucked my car up
he was 35
he would travel to fight in yu-gi-oh competitions
he told me he wanted to marry me less than three weeks into dating
he threw out his back once and made it his entire personality
he broke up with me over text and then told me he still had love for me over snapchat months later after he saw that i went to a billy joel concert
it’s okay to still process the past, isn’t it? it’s okay to still be bothered or even haunted by something or someone from way back when for fear of it happening again without realizing it. even in making this list i discovered there were things i overlooked that i wasn’t deserving of, and am better for having learned from, but shouldn’t have had to go through in the first place. i can be frustrated with myself, but can now accept the fact that it doesn’t inform who i was then, who i am now, or who i will be in the future. it also doesn’t dictate who i am in a relationship, or who i’m capable of loving.
in times when i feel that the curse could exist i can take a step back, re-read this list, and realize that maybe i’m not cursed after all. maybe after suffering through the flag parade i get to have a good time without all that red fabric blocking my view. i’ve earned it!