hey jules! having sex with girls makes me feel......weird
on casual sex, the "right person", and taking yourself out on an aftercare date
Jules!!!!
Help me. I recently got out of a long term relationship and have been labeled as a serial monogamist so I’m doing the 180 thing and just talking to many different girls with no commitment. One thing I’m finding is after I have sex with them, I get the ick or I regret it. When we’re having sex though it’s outstanding and I’ve never felt more alive but the mornings after are r o u g h. Help. Maybe I just haven’t found the right person? Maybe I’m over thinking everything?
– A sexually liberated anxious lady
oh hello, sexually liberated, anxious lady!
first off, congrats on the sex! this is so free and hot of you. i hope you’re being safe! that being said, there’s lots of ground to cover here, babe. lots.
having sex with people post-breakup is hard. this is especially true if you’re someone who tends to settle down quickly or often. since you’re fresh off of this split, it may be beneficial to break down what casual sex means to you and what you’d like out of it. hell, maybe even make a list of what prerequisites the person needs to have met for you to enjoy yourself. bare minimum is that you’d like to feel comfortable with the fact that you’ve bumped peepees with a person even after the endorphins have fired and the sun has risen. this is possible, but i think some internal reflection has to be done first.
first question: who are you picking? are you sleeping with people from the apps? folks from work? some guys you’ve met through friends? when it comes to casual hookups: context is everything. you tend to become monogamous quickly, so you may be doing one of two things: (un)intentionally looking for a new partner and being upset when you don’t find that, or looking for someone who absolutely couldn’t be your next partner and being grossed out by it. my guess is the latter. i’d call it self-sabotage, but i don’t think that’s what it is. i think in doing this you’re closing yourself off to the idea of putting yourself out there. this could work, but you have to find people who at least check a few boxes to make it worth it. if not, what was it all for?
sex is intimacy! that feels obvious, but it must be said! even if it’s casual, you’re still being deeply intimate with someone. casual sex is great! so fun! it can also require a lot from you emotionally, and not in a relationship way. you’re switching the romance knob in your mind to off. if you’ve only had sex with romantic partners then this is also something to reflect on. you’ll likely have to unlearn that tendency if you’d like to continue casual sexing. maybe it’s not a requirement, but something to keep in mind.
you wonder if you’re feeling this way because you haven’t found the “right person”– who is the “right person”? are you describing the perfect hookup partner, or a romantic partner? what would having sex with “the right person” feel like? what would the morning after look like to you? are you looking for that familiar feeling? isn’t that familiar feeling an emotional and monogamous relationship? is there a world in which you can have good non-committal sex and leave the next morning feeling good knowing that you don’t have to give more of yourself or get more from the other person? lots of questions! get those answers!
while i’m being completely honest, i can say with certainty that you’re overthinking. when you overthink, you lose your horniness! this could also explain why you feel icky or regret it afterward. if you’re wondering whether or not you’ve made the right decision or if you’ll experience more with this person post-coitus you may have lost the plot entirely. the more you judge the feeling instead of trying to understand it the less horny you’ll feel.
maybe this is my avoidant side talking, but have you thought about maybe not having mornings together? would this help? establishing a rule where you always go home after sex could be beneficial. this keeps you a guest in their space, which could aid in letting something feel a bit distant and thus more casual. maybe having someone over at your apartment makes things feel a bit more intimate. or flip that around! either can be true. try different arrangements and see what level of familiarity you want with the person and place to see what helps you get out of your head more. maybe even take yourself out afterward! it can be like a form of aftercare for yourself. shit, have a post-casual-sex ritual! this would be a great time for you to break down how you’re feeling and what you can do to soothe yourself after.
and, finally, the last question i’d suggest you ask yourself is: is casual sex for you? we all want to be the super cool, super sexy, and fun person who can have hot sex with someone we kind of know and find attractive, but some of us aren’t wired that way! it’s great to experiment and to enjoy yourself, but if you find that after each time you’re only left with the satisfying memory but not the satisfying walk away, you’re only hurting yourself in the end. you shouldn’t be left feeling uncomfortable or frustrated after doing something that’s meant to make you feel good. don’t make yourself do things you don’t want to do, or aren’t ready to do just because it feels nice to do the opposite of what you’ve always done. being sexually liberated and empowered isn’t just about how often you have sex or how you view it, it’s about your ability and right to decide when you have sex and who you’d like to have it with. sometimes being sexually empowered means that you allow sex to be a choice, not something you must do to avoid being a certain kind of person that you no longer want to be. casual sex won’t change you overnight. there’s more to deal with, but be nice to yourself about it!
overall, i think this is a normal and, honestly, a pretty necessary thing to go through! sometimes the pendulum has to swing in the opposite direction for you to feel what neutral is and where your comfort is in that. enjoy this time of liberation and good and safe sex. i hope, in time, you get that post-sex morning groove back!
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember?
questions are answered in the order in which they are received <3