hey jules!
I want to leave my partner, we've been together for years and he's been my best friend. I really lost myself in this relationship and I've had to lose some friends because of it. I've been sitting with the want for months, but life keeps happening and it's never going to be a good time. I don't want to abandon him, but I can't do this anymore
– a conflicted boyfriend
a conflicted boyfriend indeed!
ok, first of all, breaking up is hard to do. i agree with you when you say there’s never going to be a good time for it. if it’s been eating at you for a while it definitely has to happen soon*. let’s get into it.
i think sometimes we believe that the person ending the relationship is often the one left unscathed emotionally or is the one who’s able to move on quicker. or maybe it's the ones who are broken up who believe that. there’s something to be said about the pain caused by deciding to end things. it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to take the time to realize that this relationship is no longer serving you, or that it’s even draining you. that takes a lot of self-awareness and surprise: that’s the first step! life keeps happening, and it’s going to continue to happen. the best thing you can do is get ahead of it by addressing this sooner rather than later.
when marcos and i first started dating we made a promise that if we ever felt like the relationship had run its course we’d have a conversation. if we decided it was time to part ways we would, no matter how long it’s been. would it be heartbreaking? of course!! truth is? you’ve got to let the time you’ve spent in this relationship validate your emotions, not silence them. what i mean to say is that you are well within your right to feel hurt, trepidatious, or even guilty about making this decision because of all of the time you’ve invested, but that shouldn’t keep you locked in. we all know the people who stay in draining long-term relationships: “we’ve just been together for so long!” “we’ve been through so much!” “we have a dog together!” okay, sure. to counter that: if you don’t feel present, happy, or fulfilled anymore and you’ve tried to work through it to no avail, then those years are something you get to take with you, not something you have to be caged by. years spent together are not an obligation. if it’s not working, it’s not working. hard to admit, even harder to address.
now, what do you do? what do you say? i think you verbalized it very well when explaining it to me! you feel lost. you want to get back on track and live your life for yourself. those are incredibly valid reasons to step away from a relationship. will it hurt your partner? will it hurt you? yes. that’s unavoidable. but you know what would be harder for the both of you to go through? being in a relationship knowing one of you is pulling away. i’m not trying to say that you’re actively hurting your partner as we speak, or that they’re waiting for the ball to drop, but i am saying that the moment you began to feel this way is the moment the wind changed. you know it and deep down they might know it, too. but that doesn’t mean you need to end it in an hour, tomorrow, or by the end of the week! just because you’re the one making the decision doesn’t mean you don’t need to take a moment to emotionally prepare. there’s a delicate balance between feeling ready and stalling. only you know the true difference.
you said this person has been your best friend but that you feel you’ve lost yourself. strange how both can be true, huh? in relationships, corny as it sounds, we grow together or we grow apart. we either talk through our issues or we don’t do it enough. this relationship might have pulled you away from your friends, but i don’t want you to feel guilty about that. i’m sure you two had a happy and fulfilling connection for some of that time. sometimes those happy and warm feelings can get so big they can cloud our judgment, or pull us away from those who know us best. maybe we pull away from our friends because we know that if they saw things a bit closer they’d see through all the fun and flare. good friends know. it’s easier to hide and pull away than to see the truth in their eyes. this reminds me of last week’s prompt: a concerned friend is unsure if she should let her bestie know that her partner is a bit too much. i want to assure you that your friends likely see what’s been going on and still support you. they’ve probably been waiting for you to come up for air. if they’re true friends they’ll take you in with open arms and open ears!!
so, how does one break up with another? have the conversation in a private, controlled, and comfortable space. be caring, direct, and honest. the way you do it won’t be perfect, their response won’t be perfect, so let that hope go. there will be tears, there will likely be hurt feelings followed by a difficult conclusion. the most important and truest sentiment is that you are doing them, and yourself, a favor by ending it. you’re going with what you feel. you’re no longer taking up any more of your time or theirs. lead with the love you have and have had for them, and maybe it’ll go down easier.
in the end, if you felt that most of this relationship was positive, you can look back and thank them for the lessons, the love, and the moments spent together. leaving something is difficult, but moving on to something new is vast, giving, and waiting! take what you learned and move on knowing there’s more out there for the both of you.
i hope this conversation goes well. be sure to get some pore strips, chocolate, and the breakup playlists ready!
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my new advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received! posted weekly <3