hey jules!
sooo i’m kinda going through it. i’ve been seeing this guy for about five months now, and about a month into it he let me know he’d been in a relationship with another girl the whole time. knowing this, i decided to keep seeing him, secretly (horrible of me, i know), and he stayed with her. it’s been strictly sex thus far, and his gf hasn’t found out, but i’m starting to realize that my feelings for him are a lot deeper than just sexual desire. and of course there’s the unending guilt about the whole situation. i know i should break it off, but it hurts less to be something with him than to be nothing at all. am i just the worst person?
– the villain
hello hello!
bitch, this one took the air out of me! i’m glad you got this out and that you’re searching for a lifeline. i’m going to be so honest with you and i’m going to hold your hand while i do it.
girl, leave that man alone.
i say this as someone who spent a lot of their late teens/early twenties pining after people who had partners or were otherwise emotionally unavailable. i’m going to describe myself but let’s see if we’re the same shoe size!
it was a mess. i was young, he wasn’t. we both expressed mutual feelings and he still didn’t leave his girlfriend. i held onto hope for a while until i realized that his driving force in stringing me along was the attention i gave him. he wanted the possibility of someone being there to catch him if or when his relationship failed, not a meaningful connection with me as i had hoped for. i soon realized that i didn’t want him to break up with his girlfriend, i wanted to know what it felt like to be chosen over someone else. i wanted to be seen as The One You Don’t Let Get Away. internalized misogyny! i misread signals and dodged the obvious. he didn’t want anything more from me but my adoration– an ego stroke. i spent too much time wishing it wasn’t true and wondering what Could Be. years later i’ve let it go and they’re still together. i know peace now. i don’t know if he can say the same.
when someone shows you who they are, even if they’re capable of intimacy or care, you need to believe them. believe their decisions, not silky, buttery words or promises or kisses or rockin’ sex. what he’s capable of doing– in this case lying to and cheating on his partner –is louder than whatever positive aspects of him that you get to experience. he has been showing you for five months that he wants to keep you at bay, enjoying your company, while he reaps the benefits of a relationship with someone else. if a person is willing to maintain some secret relationship with you and hide it from their partner they have deep-seated issues, a tendency to self-sabotage, and a desire to waste your time and energy as a means of staying afloat and avoiding their own problems. this isn’t someone who is in the place to give one person a healthy and sturdy foundation, let alone another.
you say the thought of having him in some capacity over not having him in your life at all is better. maybe this is because he provides some sort of relief in knowing that he wants to be close to you but that you never have to open up. you never have to give all of yourself like you would in a real relationship. it sounds like you might want it to be true more than you’d like for it to actually happen. sometimes the idea is better than the actual result. you get to pick the parts of you that you share: the parts you wish were true, the parts you like, all while hiding the parts you don’t want anyone to see. this is a temporary rush. it’s a half-baked form of intimacy because it never has time to settle before he’s gone. perhaps the time spent together isn’t just a form of escapism for him but for you, too. sometimes being nothing to someone is better if you don’t get to be a full someone when you’re together.
just a hunch, and maybe i’m projecting here, but i’d say your guilt is a result of the fact that this is a circumstance that doesn’t align with who you are or who you want to be, otherwise, you wouldn’t have written to me in the first place. it’s easy to see this guy’s girlfriend as just another someone with a face, not as someone who truly knows and loves the person you have a growing desire for: a person capable of lying to and hurting those around them. is it him you have feelings for, or do you yearn for the idea that you’ve begun to assemble with the pieces he’s left behind? when someone gives you a quarter of themself it’s easy to fill in the rest with something that seems possible, especially if you’re chasing the possibility of what it could be. he can’t give you his full self if he’s still occupied in a relationship that he’s already a phantom in. if he’s not able to build a strong foundation in one relationship, you can’t pull that out of him if he were to leave it and start something with you instead. the only one who can fix it is him. not your circus, not your monkeys.
you came to me for advice, not a lecture. my advice is to ask yourself some real questions and give yourself some honest answers. if things were to go the exact way you wanted them to, then what? if this guy were to feel the same way back and wanted to move forward in a relationship, could you trust that he wouldn’t do this to you? how long are you able to keep this going if he doesn’t? will there come a point where you need to state your needs or walk away? when you spend time together, does it feel real or does it sweep you up, hold you for a moment, only to leave you crashing back down and gasping for air? be real with yourself and try not to respond with answers that don’t resonate with you. if you’re going to be truthful with anyone let it be yourself.
i don’t think you’re the villain. i think you’re making decisions that feed a piece of yourself that you’re trying to keep hidden. simultaneously, you’re hurting the part of you that knows this is a situation that may face a harsh end. you deserve more from someone than just a piece of them, just sex, or scraps. you are worthy of someone’s full attention. you are not a secret to be had, a lie to be told, or an escape. leave that man and take some time to process where this need is coming from. i think you’ll be surprised where the source actually lives.
how’s that shoe fitting so far? could you go up a size? maybe we take them to the cobbler and go from there.
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received! posted weekly <3