hey jules! i'm feeling feral
on new crushes, avoiding texts, and letting your feelings grow wings
hey jules!
i am back in the dating scene after being out of it for 4 years. i’ve gone on a few dates here and there, and surprisingly, met this person i really connect with. however, since i was in an LTR for the last 4 years, i haven’t had a *crush* or new feelings for someone since. i don’t know how else to put it: i’m going absolutely FERAL. i don’t know what to do with all of these intense feelings of a new crush! we’ve only gone on a couple dates, and i have no expectations at all, but jesus fucking christ.
how do i handle the intense feelings of a crush? i feel like i start thinking about them when i’m bored at work, on the train, getting groceries, and waiting in some sort of agony for a text back. what do i do with all of these feelings? how do i remain cool chill and fucking normal at the beginning stages of what is currently nothing??? (lmao)
thank you for your time!!
– a woman gone feral
a feral woman, indeed!
okay first of all: good on you for getting back out there after four years! that’s a long ass time to be with someone, queen. crazy!!! actually, a special someone i know is going through the exact same situation so you’re not alone! she’s reading this, too!
let’s talk about how you haven’t felt like this in a while. i think that’s a great thing! you’re feeling butterflies, you’re eager, and that’s such a fun feeling to have after ending something serious. this is the time to shake the heartache, get loose (literally), and enjoy your time by yourself while also exploring other people. this is a time to see how you’ve changed over these past four years. what have you learned? what do you like now? who have you become? these may feel kind of big and shapeless but are questions that can help re-build your identity when re-entering the dating world. in long-term relationships, your feelings change for the person, and after enough time you can forget how things felt in the beginning beginning. now it’s time to refresh your memory! don’t think too much about it and don’t you dare feel weird or icked out about how mushy and gushy it is. this is so fun! i’m so happy for you!!
now, you’re getting these fuzzies for a specific someone. this is awesome, but i will say that it can be a bit intoxicating at times. it’s easy for your vision to get a bit misty and hazy around one person! i think going into it not having any expectations is exactly where you need to be right now. as someone who used to project like hell on people i had crushes on, i can’t help but try to make you aware of the fact that in a post-long-term-relationship-stage you might try to fantasize about small things. you’re imagining going on more dates, cuddling, talking all the time with this person. this is normal, but keep your options open! you were just in something for four years, so aware of it or not you might feel the tendency to put all of your eggs in one basket. you’re newly single! you’re free! you’re excited about this person, which is titillating and thrilling, but know you can feel this way about a few different people, too. if anything, i think that might aid in your waiting-for-texts-and-daydreaming phase. if you keep yourself occupied with flirty feelings for multiple people it can make it easier to not get so stuck.
now let’s talk about feeling stuck! is there really anything too wrong with any of this if it makes you happy? i don’t mean to invalidate what i just said, but i also will a little bit. i don’t think feeling a bit stuck on someone fresh out of a relationship is oh so awful and horrible. i said all of that above because i want you to protect your feelings and lead with the idea of fun, but i think it might also be good for you to drink the kool-aid bit if you want! the first person you have a bit of a thing for after a relationship is always going to make you feel sexy but a bit guilty. roll with me here: you just spent four years (presumably) monogamous with one person at the front of your mind. never really considering something with someone new. now that person is gone, so of course your mind is going to look for the next person to fill that space. that’s to be expected! don’t be so hard on yourself! let yourself enjoy the flutters, the sex if you end up having it, and just take it day by day. nothing more, nothing less.
you can also keep it chill by being avoidant. whoops! maybe that’s not the healthiest answer. hey, you’re not married to this person. you don’t owe them anything! i think you can practice underdeveloped communication skills if it means protecting your peace. feeling a bit overwhelmed one day? you don’t need to respond to every text or wait by the phone for one. you’ve got better, Single Girl Things to do! distracting yourself is a great trick! use it well! it’ll make the times you do indulge in your newfound desire more enjoyable. why sit and dwell on a crush when you can go on a walk, hang out with your friends, journal, pick up crochet, cut your own hair, apply for a new credit card, take a dance class, or rub one out? give your brain something else to do! the more engaging the task the less likely you are to fixate. you come first here! literally! the crush should always come second no matter how big it may feel or how fast it grows. what you’re experiencing is a pleasurable and casual encounter with someone, so live in that moment and enjoy it for now! plus, it sounds like you don’t really know this person. good! work with what you’ve SEEN and try not to let your brain spin a silly little tale. easier said than done, queen! that’s my specialty so i get it!
overall, it sounds like you’re nervous about being nervous when there’s nothing to be nervous about! this is a new territory for you. there’s nothing unreasonable, goofy, or ridiculous about having a crush on someone you don’t really know yet. there’s no Normal Crush Level or Crush Law you have to abide by. this is proof that after four years you’ve still got it! don’t make yourself feel weird about feeling like a horny tween with a crush! let the feelings fly, just keep an eye on them! don’t want them getting to close to the sun! but even if they do: slay!!!!
i hope you go on a million dates with a million different bitches who make you feel hot, smart, and interesting, but remember: why get stuck on one so soon when you can have the whole world for as long as you want?
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received! posted weekly <3