hey jules! my mom misses me a lot
on moving out, missing the ones you love, and mom being people, too
hey jules!
my mom complains that we barely talk anymore. which isn’t true. she just got used to us talking for hours, when i first moved here, because i was trying to adjust to the move. i still make an effort to call her once every day. sometimes we talk for 15m and other times we talk for 45m. but no matter what, she spends at least 10 minutes of that time having a conversation with my sister in the background. or she’ll tell me she’s gonna call me back and then gets sidetracked and never does. i haven’t really paid any mind to it, until she started “joking” about me never having time for her anymore. it’s honestly just a result of mix matched schedules and timing. and i say exactly that to her, but she persists. do you think i need to address it, and how should i go about it? mind you, she can’t handle being told she’s wrong.
much appreciated,
the eldest boy
well if it isn’t my favorite eldest boy!
to put this lightly: she needs to get a bit of a grip. you’re growing up! that’s hard to handle. when i first moved away for college i got into fights with my mom because she wanted to control (i know you’re reading this, rosa, and don’t argue because it’s true!) the things i was doing. okay, maybe not control control, but my mom wanted to be in the know and wanted me to do things the way she would do them. in your mom’s mind, she’s likely thinking the same thing. she wants to know what you’re doing, she wants to be up to date, and she’ll assume the worst if you don’t catch her up. classic. truth is, she probably doesn’t know the real extent of how busy you are and if it were her she’d blah blah blah. you’re busy, she’s busy. you’re going to forget to call and check in! it happens! she needs to build up a tolerance and not take it personally, but she raised you so that’s definitely not going to happen. she just wants you to know that she misses you and she wants to feel included. see that in her and validate it but don’t feel like you need to overcompensate if you find that you’re more frustrated and drained at the end of every call. easier said than done, buddy. we’ve all gotta figure that out.
addressing the frequency of the calls: dial back how often you talk, it’d probably be a good start. it’s not a punishment, but rather a way to protect your peace. if you build up more time between calls then there’s more to talk about! more to catch up on! this might sound corny, but dedicating a time of the week (as regular as you can) might help. you have a chat every sunday night! every tuesday! whatever! once, twice, three times a week sounds healthy depending on your dynamic. the everyday stuff can be a lot. talking so often also might be why she’s talking to your sister in the background. it feels more casual (not the right word, but you know what i mean) because you talk so frequently. instead, if you spread them out, it’ll feel more specific and meaningful. it’ll be something for you both to look forward to! this would likely lead to longer conversations which would make her feel better about you “not having time”.
about that: when it comes to the “you don’t have time for me” jokes– nip that shit. jokes are only funny when they’re half true, but she’s not joking. she wants to get a reaction from you because she wants to know you care. that’s valid of her, but she’s an adult and can learn how to verbalize it a bit better. i think you could maybe frame it to her like “hey, i get what you’re trying to say, but when you make jokes like that it’s hard to hear and harder to see where you’re coming from. it hurts me to think that you could believe i don’t want to make time for you or that maintaining connection with you isn’t a priority. i’m just trying to get on my feet and my mind is all over the place.” or something like that! she’s fishing! give her that support and affirmation but find a way to explain that saying things like that make you sad, confused, and annoyed because you’re trying your best. pull the “i’m a growing adult” card. maybe she’ll get it a bit better.
okay, now about her talking to your sister. i’m thinking it may be one or two of three things:
she has adhd (queen) and thinks she can multitask better than she actually can
she’s trying to make you a teeny bit envious of the fact that your sister can still connect with her now that you’re gone
she wants to have a moment where she feels like she can connect with both of her kids at once just like the good ol’ days
the second one is a bit pessimistic, sure, but your mom is a human being with all kinds of defense mechanisms and coping skills that may or may not be sustainable, healthy, effective, or beneficial to you or her. i’d suggest appealing to her senses here by being like “hey when we talk i just wanna talk to you and have you focus on our conversations” which would probably make her feel nice! she just wants your time! she wants you to fight for her attention! give it to her a bit! stroke her ego!
sometimes we have to baby our parents. is that always right? maybe not, but we don’t have time to get into all of that. the biggest thing i’ve learned about moms is that sometimes they don’t have all the words, or don’t want to say all of the words that express how they actually feel. moms: they’re just like us! it’s probably super vulnerable and maybe a little embarrassing for her to flat out say that she feels forgotten or even abandoned by you leaving because you didn’t and she knows that, but she probably can’t shake that feeling. these are big emotions to have! are you the first kid she’s had that moved out? if so, she’s probably losing it! she’s gonna say all kinds of out of pocket shit and hop, skip, jump, backflip to conclusions because she really just wants you around again. she’s probably like “this kid had it so good with me, why would they leave?” when you were born she knew this day would come, but she didn’t know how she’d deal with it then and she doesn’t now! she’s still trying to figure out how to talk to you as you grow up. she’s going to fall into certain habits and won’t realize that they might hurt you unless you say something. it’s tough, kid. i get it. the sooner you plant the seed, even if she gets defensive because she thinks you’re telling her she’s wrong, the sooner it will grow. just water it over time.
compared to how much you guys would talk when you were at home versus now, it’s going to feel like you hardly talk– so she’s kind of right, but hyperbole doesn’t help. if you open the door for her to feel like she can express how she’s feeling with you a bit more, then maybe this bandaid will be easier for her to rip off. i’ve been away from my mom for about seven years now (wow!) and i can assure you that your communication is going to ebb and flow with time. there will be sprees where i call my mom every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and other times where i don’t talk to her ass for a week. it’s normal! something else that might help? send her cute pictures of what you’re up to! call her when you’re out for a quick five minute chat where your friends can go “hey mom!” right along with you! share your location with her (too much?)! sure, it’s not a 15 – 45 minute phone call, but it’s a way for her to feel like she’s still with you even though you’re so far away, which is all she wants.
you mentioned that you were calling her a ton in the beginning when you needed her support, which is what moms do best, but maybe she’s also feeling like now that you’re a bit settled you’re calling her less because you don’t need her anymore. red alert! red alert! i’m a bad mom! my kid doesn’t need me anymore! not true not true not true! you guys aren’t friends, she’s your mom, but it’s not cool when friends only reach out when they need something and then pull back other times. not saying you were doing that, but try and reason a bit as to how she could maybe feel that way a little, especially that this was the tone set in the beginning of all of this. when you talk, be sure to share the good, the bad, the ugly, the mundane, the fun, and everything else, too!
biggest solution here? boundaries. those will build with trial and error. speaking from personal experience, when you talk to your mom everyday you’re likely to overshare and let her in on things that can just be yours. i tell my mom a lot, but there are things that deserve to be just mine, too. by doing this you’re teaching yourself that you don’t need to give give give all the time in order for her to feel like she’s supporting you or that she’s still a big presence in your life. you want to teach yourself (and also her) that by leaving home you’re going to have experiences that will be yours. this will help you develop a new sense of independence while also making the moments that you do share with her feel even more special and intentional. growing up means you have a bigger role in crafting your relationship with your mom, she’s not the only one who has a say anymore. relinquishing that control can be hard to do, but she’ll get the hang of it over time.
in short: defintely talk to her! put her in her place a bit but also treat her with care! she misses you, she just needs to learn how to say it a bit better. i hope the convo goes well!
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received and they are posted weekly.