hey jules! should my partner and i match their freak?
on threesomes, overthinking, and boinking your friends
hey jules,
my partner and i are planning a threesome. it is something we had discussed as an option for the far nebulous future, but it recently became VERY real as a friend of mine from high school volunteered as our third.
this person is a friend of mine who i’ve known for nearly 10 years now, and they’d actually come up as an ideal candidate for our third well before they volunteered. i trust them to respect my boundaries as well as my partner’s, and i think it’d be really great in general. the issue is that i’ve never had any kind of casual sex, much less sex with one of my friends, and i am losing my mind. how do people do that?? doesn’t it completely change the dynamic of the friendship??? and how do you act with them afterwards??
to make things even more complex, this friend has been very open about having a crush on me in high school and being attracted to me now, which is great but also adds a little pressure to the whole thing because i’m also anxious about how that will interact with all the other stuff going on, as it makes me question their motives even though they have been nothing but supportive of my current relationship.
any and all input is greatly appreciated!
thanks,
overthought & overwrought
oh hey, overthought & overwrought!
i’m so sorry but this sounds like a MESS waiting to happen. this sounds like the plot of a movie where someone gets their feelings hurt, and it sounds like it could be your partner, but it’s anyone’s game. let me be more specific.
i think it’s sexy and fun to bring in a third but only when you’re both ready, not just because the opportunity has presented itself. this isn’t something you want to rush. the heat of the moment may be exciting, and lord knows it feels amazing to be desired, but there sounds like feelings may be at stake here, and that’s not something to take lightly! weigh your options on your own, with your partner, and maybe even with the friend in question if they’re open to it. the most important aspect of this is that you’re all aware of all the many boundaries that already exist along with the ones that may arise during or after this little ménage á trois.
i used to believe, and at times still do, that friends can have sex and it doesn’t always have to be weird. kiss your friends! love on your friends! i have learned with time, however, that this is only really applicable with certain kinds of people. you’re saying this friend has openly communicated to you about their feelings for you. that doesn’t sound like casual, fun, friend sex! that sounds like someone who’s eager to hook up with you regardless of the circumstances if it means they can be close to you. but, you got it like that! good for you!
if you think you can do this, dale que tu puede, but i wouldn’t risk engaging with someone sexually who has admitted to having feelings for you at one point, for fear of ruining something good: a) your friendship, b) your relationship with your partner. you mentioned that your friend being involved adds a little bit of pressure and that’s not a word that’s used lightly in a situation like this! any external pressure leads to you putting yourself, or anyone else, in a more vulnerable and compromising position. physical intimacy is different for everyone, right? one of my favorite things about consent that i’ve learned is this: if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. any pressure you or any other party is feeling should give you all pause and reason to break this down further to see if it’s really worth partaking in.
when it comes to running this advice column i try to provide different options, outlooks, and other ways to look at each situation. i try to be a honest, direct, and empathetic as i can while trying my best to avoid telling someone exactly what to do. i’m going to break all of that by telling you that i think this is absolutely not a good idea and that you should absolutely not engage in this until you have a better grasp on how you feel about it, but i think you could sense that from my entire answer and tone. <3
my real-deal suggestion: explore your sexual desires with your partner, talk about things deeply if you don’t already, and if this is still something you want to do then i say go forth and fuck your friend! really listen to your gut, though. you can try to unfuckup your weird feelings about all of this, but if things stay weird you can’t unfuck your friend.
also, thank you for submitting your question, and i’m sorry you had to wait so long for an answer, baby!
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember?
questions are answered in the order in which they are received <3