hey jules! we share a dog, and it gets worse
on dog grooming, heartbreak, and feelings wearing cute outfits
hey jules!
i’m struggling! my ex and i broke up 7 months ago (together almost 4 years), and for context, had to live together for 3 months after the breakup (nyc baybee!). it was the worst 3 months of my life, and i’m much better after getting away from the situation. (please note, he wasn’t like, abusive. just mean, and there were lots of confusing and conflicting emotions while i was trying to move out. it was really painful to say the least! i wasn’t a person during that time. he also started dating immediately after our breakup and had a partner two weeks after our relationship ended l o l )
going low contact with my ex has made things easier, though i would really prefer no contact. unfortunately, that’s not possible because we share a dog together. the only time we communicate is when talking about the dog and see each other during trade offs month to month (although, i’ve been taking on the dog more time than we originally agreed)
((the dog is also fine and not confused by the situation. he’s chill lol))
every time i see him, or anticipate having to see him for the dog trade off, it sends me into a spiral. i *hate* it. how do i deal with having to see him after everything? i feel like im taken back to step one of moving on after seeing him, and somehow, he’s perfectly fine like a goddamn sociopath (que “good 4 u” by olivia rodrigo)
thanks! :) <3
“confused dog mom” or like, “hot dog mom”
hey hot dog mom!
okay girl, let me start out by saying that that was a WILD ride. the bar was raised with every line! shit!
first of all, breakups are awful horrible nasty and i’m sorry you had to go through that shit. having to end a relationship that long takes a toll. it’s a lot to go through, and it’s something you’ve usually gotta handle on your own, so it SUCKS that you guys had to stay together in the same space for 3 MORE MONTHS. i’d imagine you weren’t really able to go through the stages of grief when you could hear him go into the bathroom or just exist in the kitchen or leave a mess in the living room. you need your personal space to process your emotions! sure you were feeling conflicted! you were stuck in the space that you two were building a life in! against your will! (that makes it sounds like he was keeping you prisoner, which is funny, but also not) also, he was mean? fuck that guy. that makes things so much more confusing because i’m sure he wasn’t always like that. it’s a really hard thing to watch the person you love turn into someone who isn’t capable of loving you the right way anymore. then add having to live with that person after making that realization? hell. even though it was a hard and tumultuous time, i’m really glad you’re out of that.
let’s address the elephant in the room: a new girlfriend? so fucking soon? i hate to put it like this, but that man does not care about your feelings. in fact, what he’s doing actually sounds a bit spiteful. this is particularly hurtful given the fact that you two were together for so long. it’s like, c’mon dude, we’ve already gotta live together while being broken up, the least you could do is respect me and not jump into something that i then need to bear witness to. you shouldn’t have to deal with that! there’s not much advice for this part, i just wanted to validate your upset and let you know that that’s a FUCKED situation. also, homegirl needs to assess the situation better and realize that while he may or may not like her, she’s probably a) a means of escape for him, which is always temporary, b) his rushed attempt at skipping the heartbreak and feeling a gush of serotonin, and c) a way for him to stick it to you, especially if things ended badly. that sucks for her and for you (but for you especially. you come first here, queen!)
you share a dog! fuck! okay, so this may not be as cut and dry as i’d (and i’m sure you’d) like for it to be, but here’s what i’m thinking: go no contact and have your friends do the trade off until he gets the hint or until you feel better, whichever comes first. stay away from his ass if it hurts you to see him! lie if you have to! “hey, i got called into work so my homegirl is gonna pick him up” or “drop him off at the groomer and i’ll grab him when they’re done”. this may seem a bit dramatic, but just because you share custody of a dog doesn’t mean that you owe him your time, especially if by doing so you need to take more time after the fact to process your pain. that’s something you’ve already gotta do and this situation only exacerbates that. he sounds like an idiot, but even idiots have to read the room eventually. i bet it’ll take a good four or five tries and he’ll get the point. plus, you’re in control here because you’ve got the dog more often! also, about that! you had an agreement, and he’s not abiding by it. if you do feel comfortable, i’d call him out on that and maybe even say that perhaps the dog deserves more stability, aka just staying with you. i know you said the dog is chill about it, but he’s a dog, he has no clue what’s going on. i’m sure he’d be cool with you speaking on his behalf. i want you to have the dog full time. that’s me being selfish for you so i’m sorry if that’s not practical or applicable! oops!
you’ll have to see him at some point, so make it as quick and impersonal as you can. no “how have you been’s”, no updates, no nothing. he doesn’t get access to you anymore, he lost that privilege. just because you share a dog doesn’t mean that you can’t protect your peace. if you haven’t blocked him on social media definitely do. i’m big into blocking. block everything but his number and speak to him as professionally and emotionless as you can. you may be feeling heartbroken but he doesn’t have to know it or see it! let that be yours! giving him something to work with (intentionally or not) will only have you searching for a reaction in him and then make you disappointed when you don’t get one, or at least not the one you want. the less you give him the more protected you’ll be.
now, to answer the biggest part of your question: this is going to hurt until one day it doesn’t. that’s not helpful, i know. you can do little things in the beginning like the trade off strategy, professional and impersonal conversations, or anything else i suggested above. maybe do some journaling, therapy, but that sting is going to be around for a while. it may only be a few months post-breakup, but rest assured you’re still allowed to feel upset about this. you’ve got a literal living thing that connects the two of you! in a perfect situation (no breakup is perfect) you’d have no ties and would be able to go through this in a more controlled way. this is a different circumstance that requires different methods to provide self-care and healing. the more you resent the fact that you’re hurt by this, the more you shush that pain, the more often those feelings will come up. feelings don’t like to be ignored! we know this! also, sometimes feelings wear different outfits to look like other feelings. so maybe that anger you’re feeling is actually wearing heartbreak’s dress! maybe the sadness that you’re feeling is wearing anger’s shoes, resentment’s skirt, and disappointment’s crop top. get to know those feelings, talk with them a bit, write them down, get them out. try your best not to judge these feelings, though. they will always exist and are not representative of you, they’re just a tool to learn more about yourself. be kind to them! baby them, even!
i’m going to talk about his side of this, but don’t get it twisted– i’m not speaking in his defense. you may have your assumptions or suspicions about how he’s handling or feeling about this breakup, but you don’t actually know, and the beautiful part is? it’s none of your business. that’s a little harsh, i know, but the more you allow yourself to think “his emotions and coping skills are not my problem anymore” the more you’ll realize that this situation didn’t come from what was or wasn’t right. it just happened, there’s not much you can do to change it. not being in control is terrifying! the unknown is scary! but feel that! live in that! sure you dated for years, sure you know him really well, but you don’t know this version of him anymore, and you don’t need to. in this time you’re not only mourning the loss of the relationship, you’re mourning what could’ve been and who you thought he was. he’s disappointing you right now, which in some cases is worse than just hurting you directly (which he is also doing). it’s hard to feel hurt by this and have it feel all consuming only to not be able to recognize that feeling in him. that’s really painful. letting go is hard, but it starts with focusing on your feelings, not his, too. i know you said you think he seems fine because’s he’s a sociopath, and maybe he is, but i think sometimes people don’t know how to process their emotions and would rather invest (poorly) into someone else if it means they can evade their problems for longer. all of that shit will catch up to him inevitably. be sad you’re not with him anymore, but be happy that it’s no longer your problem.
know that when you see him and feel devastated or heartbroken all over again that you’re not taking a step back. you’re a human being for christ sake, girl! you loved this person and that love has to go somewhere! sometimes the love turns into something else, and i think that might be where you are right now. let that shit ache, fester, and burn for as long as you need. take time and be patient with yourself. one day, however long from now, you’re going to wake up and forget about him for a second. those seconds will eventually build and last. for now, just feel what you’re feeling entirely and don’t add shame to it, that’s extra weight you shouldn’t have to carry.
hope that all helps. next time you see him, get in and out of there! like a bank heist! take the dog and run!
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received and they are posted weekly.