robots are cheugy now and it's millennials' fault
why does my roomba want to wear a statement necklace?
if this upsets millennials i’m sorry!! :/ if it’s any consolation i don’t regularly use the word cheugy but i’m using it now because think it’s funny. also, disclaimer, i was born in 1997 so to a certain (reluctant) extent i’m a pot calling some kettles black. excuse me: Black. let’s move on.
this past wednesday, while on the phone with my mom, i discovered BROWN WATER spewing in my bathroom where my heater meets the wall. very quickly water was coming out of the light fixtures, door frames, and any and every crack between the wall and molding. horrifying. awful. there was a puddle in my apartment that was deep enough to splash in. all of our stuff got wet. disco was trying to drink it! ceiling water!!! as i was panicking and asking every adult i could ask for advice (my upstairs neighbor, sophie, and my building’s tenant group chat) everyone was like “do you have renter’s insurance?” i’m sorry? no! if i had known we all had renter’s insurance then i wouldn’t have cancelled it because i wasn’t using it! but apparently, that’s how insurance works!!! that tenant group chat is muted again because they’re all a bunch of unhelpful negative nellies. no one gave me a clear answer and everyone was cynical. amanda h. in particular had a bad attitude saying the landlord wouldn’t help. okay, yes, alab amanda h. but i can do without the negativity!!
so i folded! i redownloaded the lemonade app1 and went through the steps to start a new insurance plan. there’s no “application” process, though. to get started you have to dm with an ai customer service agent and it asks you questions so it can set up your profile. their robot’s name is maya and she’s always gotta get the last word. she asked me my date of birth and look at what the fuck she said back to me when i answered.
now is not the time, maya! there’s a lake in my apartment and i need coverage NOW. i am aware of the fact that my rush is not her emergency. she was just trying to be nice. but queen, time and place. after this exchange she only had a few more quips, nothing serious. i’d say her service was fine, but i wonder if her hr department head also ai. we might need to have a word or two regarding her bedside manner.
side note: who is this woman, by the way? i assumed she was an ai image, too but it turns out she’s part of the founding team of lemonade and is the chief business officer! okay slay! loving that! if i were her i don’t think i’d actually want my likeness to be used for the ai chat robot who’s a bit cheeky but that’s just me. maybe the queen thinks it’s a compliment? i don’t want to project. maybe she loves it. also also! i’m calling the robot cheugy not the lovely miss maya over here. i’m sure she’s a very nice woman. okay now i feel bad saying the robot who’s carrying her face is kind of unprofessional at her job. i didn’t mean it, maya!!!!
this is just going to be a regular thing now, huh? robots with personalities. one time my mom said “hey siri” and siri said “hmm?” “hmm”? i’m sorry, were you in the middle of something? am i interrupting? robots can’t hum because they don’t have nostrils to plug. i don’t want robots to have nostrils so they can hum. i don’t robots to have personalities. and most certainly don’t want them to have an opinion on things. there, i said it! unfortunately they can read so…. it’s too late for me. i might as well speak my mf peace before i die of mysterious circumstances at the hands (wires?) of my amazon alexa that my mom got me that i don’t use (sorry mom!) i don’t need an alexa, i need protection from her!
i think cooperate millennials wanted to give ai personalities because the every day was getting to monotonous. i’m right there with ya, sister, but let’s maybe not give an ai chat-being rizz. let’s get back to structure and professionalism and leave the chuckles for another time. some things need to get done here at some point. also, when is it appropriate for a robot to have some flare or even some snark? i’d say never but i know how much old people love a gps with a sassy inflection. since when did we want robots to start negging us? enough!
maybe millennials want robots to have charm because they watched her and smart house too many times and now they’re curious. i’m not saying millennials want to emotionally fixate on a faceless and bodyless entity that’s designed to keep you company and know every corner of your psyche, but i am saying that a black mirror exists in all of us. let’s not let that beast out, eh? sure, the house in smart house is a hottie, but she absolutely was going to kill those kids at one point in a fit of rage because they wouldn’t call her mom. do you want the chat ai to get mad and cancel your insurance plan because you wouldn’t flirt back? i don’t think so! this future is closer than we may think! we all need to chill!
millennials: stop trying to make robots eccentric and charismatic because when they take over the world i want it to be over and done with. i don’t want them to drag it out for the sake of comedic timing. i don’t want them to punish me because i asked siri for something one time and she didn’t like my tone. i don’t want alexa to electrocute me in my sleep because i didn’t say thank you to her. i want to be free, and i want the robots to stay informal, curt, and sentienceless.
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