hey jules!
you’re really good at being confident it seems. maybe you’re not and you’re great at acting like it. either way i want whatever it is that helped you become this way. when you were 20, did you ever worry that maybe there are so many options and careers and paths that you’d choose the wrong one? or that if you chose the one you loved that it would lead to nothing but failure? and how does one even recover from that… did you ever feel that way? lol sorry for the existential 20 year old girl dread. thanks for this
– an incredibly lost and confused young woman (girl!?)
hello my beloved, incredibly lost, and confused young woman (girl!?),
i’d like to begin by thanking you for telling me it looks like i’m good at being confident. i love to pretend and lie. i got my degree in it. i’m glad it’s working.
my confidence is at times circumstantial and conditional at best. i try to give myself some grace because i spent a whole lot of time never feeling confident at all. my prescription for you? find moments in which you can feel that spark, that moment where you feel good, capable, strong, sexy, hot, cool, and can that bitch up. then crack that can open as often as you can and whenever you need it. shit, trick yourself if you have to! your brain won’t know the difference! confidence is like a lake: either naturally occurring or man made. at the end of the day, you see a lake and you’re like “hey look! a lake!” is this making sense? what i mean to say is no one is actually looking deep into what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, or how it comes off. they see something and know it to be so. just like you just did with me! you should be the exact version you are and be it fully, loudly, and as often as you can. also, allow that to shape-shift! i have simultaneously been about 15 different people and have also not changed at all throughout my life. it’s okay to not feel sure about who you are. the confidence comes from the gradual release of that fear. lean into the confusion and uncertainty. i say that while also fully thinking “i’m not charming, fun, or appealing” every time i host at herbal supplements. do as i say, not as i do.
now, let’s talk life choices. when i was 20, i had just moved to long island to get a degree that i now only use sometimes and spent the last two years paying $500 a month for. i fought tooth and nail to get that degree. i defended my ass off to my family when they showed doubt in my decision. i spent five years of college studying something i was 10000% sure i’d pursue for the rest of my life only to immediately quit moments after shutting my laptop once my Zoom Graduation was over. i say all of this to admit that i don’t regret doing it. sure, i was fearful and insecure at the time. i was worried i made the wrong decision or that i wasted years for no good reason. but with all of that i learned that my passion didn’t go away, it was just changing shape. i’m happy i did it because i soon realized the degree didn’t actually matter. what mattered is that i cared enough about something to dedicate years of my life to it. that’s not a waste! if you want to do something, fight for it hard even if you may change your mind. go to college! drop out! move away! shave your head! or don’t! you should make decisions for yourself based on your passion and desire to do something you love, even if years later you realize it was only for a moment. it’s not about the choice you’re making, it’s about letting yourself go for something you care about right now. if you decide once you’re done you maybe could have gone without it? whatever! you turn that spark into something else, brush yourself off, and start again! take that passion and point it elsewhere. there’s no shame in starting something new.
the choices you make don’t exist in a vacuum. i say i don’t use my acting degree because i think it’s funny to speak in hyperbole, but i use that shit every day. it gave me tools that i get to carry with me. i just make myself feel bad about it because i’m worried i’m not doing what other people think i should be doing with it. but that’s the thing about decisions and phases in your life: even if you regret them, you’re still going to learn something and that something only applies to you! changing your mind is not a reflection of your character, commitment, or your capability. it’s a reflection of the fact that you’re a living, breathing being whose internal and external circumstances affect the decisions they make. what a crime! you get to take those decisions and results with you. you can throw them away, eat them, turn them into earrings, put them in a time capsule, stuff them in the back of your drawer, or hang them up on the wall. how powerful! if you’re worried about what other people think about your choices, send them a venmo request to help pay your loans off. if they can’t support you monetarily then they can shut the fuck up.
i think it’s admirable to realize you might not actually know what you want to do, and even more admirable to admit you’re afraid of being a failure. but what the fuck is failing, anyway? having to start over? falling on your ass? being in debt? disappointing your parents? all of these things apply to every single person i know, myself included, and none of us are failures. you’re worried about being a failure because you’re worried about doing your Future Self a disservice, or ruining her life, or something. but here’s the good news: by thinking about her in this way, you’re showing care and love for her, which is what she needs, yes, but you don’t gotta worry about her. she’s got it figured out, or she will eventually. odds are though, she’d want you to follow what you want now. if anything, she’ll think of you and thank you for caring and doing what you wanted because it was true to you in the moment. i’m sure she’ll be proud that no matter the decision you made, you didn’t half ass it. she’ll have something to take away from it all. don’t worry.
take your time, be patient with all versions of yourself, and have as much fun as you can doing so.
thank you for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received <3