hey jules! my friend's partner is a succubus
on when to say it and how, a 30 year old's advice, and therapy-speak
hey jules!
My lovely sweet amazing friend has a terrible partner. Ever heard of an energy vampire? Add a case of Only Child Syndrome and some weaponized therapy-speak and that’s them. They haven’t been together for that long, but the partner has pushed to escalate the relationship so rapidly. Moved in together after less than a year, got a dog, and now I hear the occasional reference to the partner pushing for marriage. In this economy! Almost impossible to see my friend without their partner—I’ve literally had the partner show up to a dinner reservation for 2. All of this has clearly taken a toll on my friend, whose mental and physical health, financial well-being, and relationships have all devolved. I’ve tried to get my friend to open up about it and they won’t budge. I can’t identify or prove any concrete signs of abuse, it’s more that the partner just SUCKS and sucks the life out of my friend. I hardly see my friend anymore because I can’t stomach their partner. It leaves me in a state for days.
Do I say something and risk our friendship, knowing that it means I may not be there when this all goes up in flames? Or do I keep quiet and remain a safe support system for when the dam breaks?
– a woman torn
hello you poor torn woman (and friend),
i want to start by acknowledging that this is an incredibly nuanced situation that deserves a lot of care and grace when giving advice. i think you’ve got a good grip on this whole thing, but i can tell it’s really weighing on you. you care about your friend and that’s a beautiful thing. i want to really emphasize, however, that if at any time you sense there is some sort of abuse happening you take everything i say with a grain of salt and go with your gut. talk with friends, address it with your friend directly, talk to their mom if you have to. if you have the chance, take them out of the situation if you feel it may be detrimental to their mental or physical wellbeing. i’m going to say something that may be hard to hear: your mental health and your friend’s safety matter more than whether or not they’ll want to be your friend if what you do is meant to protect them. if it gets to that point (which i pray it doesn’t) their safety, and your mental health take priority. i want to give you some clarity. i want to help as much as i can. but i don’t want to speak out of my ass and give you advice that may harm more than help. i’m going to give you an answer as someone who has been in a relationship similar to this (in the energy draining, mean, manipulative, moving too fast kind of way). i’m going to give you the advice i wish my friends could have given me, but i can’t promise that i would have listened, and i can’t speak to whether or not your friend will either. let’s hope for the best and just get into it.
it’s one thing to hate your friend’s partner but still get to see your friend and another to feel your friend slowly slipping away, or even worse, bringing their shitty partner along to the party to watch the horror in hd. rest assured, even if it’s to the smallest degree, your friend is aware of the fact that you feel this way. hell, they’re probably aware of the fact that this relationship isn’t the best or the healthiest it can be. the problem lies in the fact that they’re hoping it will change or that their perception of the whole thing is wrong. they want to feel like they’re making the right decision. as their friend, you don’t have to understand it, but it’s important you see this from their perspective. they’ve got rose colored glasses on. they’re not going to see things for what they are right now, especially if things are moving so quickly. things moving quickly feel good in the moment! they feel validating, especially if they’re someone who has been wanting a commitment like this for a while. getting a dog covers up the fact that their partner might be isolating them. moving in is bigger than the fact that they’re perhaps feeling some kind of emotional fatigue from the situation. “sure, they’re crashing bestie dinner, but maybe that means they care?” therapy-speak makes it worse because your friend might be thinking their partner is oh-so-wise when in reality that jargon just makes it easier to be manipulated! fake self-awareness is most people’s kryptonite. when in a relationship like that, it’s so much easier to explain away the shittiness because there’s usually some sort of positive to lean on that blurs out the rest. temporarily, of course. see where your friend is coming from there. i think that’ll make the way you talk to them about it (if you decide to) a bit softer, which it likely what they need.
let’s say you do want to say something. it’s good that you’re aware that if you do, it may risk your friendship. i’m not going to sugarcoat: it’s a possibility. but, that being said, there is a way of going about it that may work. you mentioned that you’ve tried to get them to crack and they won’t budge. i think the best way to go is to avoid digging in about the relationship, but rather focus on your friend and their feelings. talk not about how things look but about how your friend feels the relationship is going. we want to avoid the possibility of your friend perceiving your ideas or feelings as projections or assumptions. try to sound as neutral as possible while putting their feelings first, not their partner’s. maybe that means not even bringing up the partner at all! perhaps you speak openly to the idea of how things are “good” in the relationship, but how they can be “better”. you’d be surprised what kind of intel you can get just by framing things a certain way. “planting seeds” as my mom would like to say. it’s not about trying to get them to realize that they’re involved in something manipulative or shitty– there’s no way to say that that doesn’t sound judgemental. they’re going to take it personally. i say that because i did. i didn’t want to listen when someone told me that my partner sucked because i feared that it was a reflection of my judge of character. you don’t want them to think that by saying their partner is shitty, or maybe even toxic, that they don't know how to pick ‘em or, worse, that they can’t tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one. this is about helping them talk through their emotions and hoping they’ll come to realize that it’s no good. key word: hope.
if their partner is isolating them then it’s got to be harder for them to navigate what they’re feeling. the best i can suggest is a quick “hey, i haven’t seen you in a bit, how’s everything going?” or “next time we hang i’d love if we did something one on one! i want to be in your brain for a bit!” keep bugging until it happens! if you’ve done this, i apologize if that’s redundant! but i think if you take some time you can find a way to appeal to them and get at least a little bit of time with them alone to really get their partner out of their view. maybe it’s a phone call, maybe it’s quick coffee. these moments matter, regardless of how long or short they are. that time can build. it’s a way for you to have moments to develop deeper conversations. you want your friend to feel secure. if they know they have a support system behind them it may be easier for them to look at the situation a bit more rationally. you want them to realize this is their decision and their idea if they were to leave. you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. i’m sorry i’m calling your bff a horse. i can’t think of a better analogy.
the key is to not make their partner the enemy when/if you talk to them about this. this will be what pushes your friend away the quickest if not done carefully. they see a future with them and likely only hold their best qualities close, forgetting the rest. one time, at the old bar i used to work at, one of my 30 year old coworkers had a birthday dinner and invited all of her friends. the next day we were having a recap of the night and she went “my friend’s husband that i hate…” and i was like “oh shit. does she know you hate him?” to which she answered no. she told me that the minute you express distaste or (what your friend may believe to be) “unwarranted concern” about their partner or the overall state of the relationship, is the minute the friendship changes. it’s such a precious moment, and so much can be left unsaid or misconstrued if not done tactfully. she told me a story about how she did this with a different friend and how that friend then stopped sharing things about her relationship altogether. “i didn’t lose my friend,” she said, “but i lost a part of her. she stopped trusting me with a precious part of her life. i wish i had just been there for her instead. now i don’t know what’s really going on in their relationship, and i don’t know if i ever will.” there’s no way to predict the outcome. only you know how your friend works and how they take things. even then, it’s all up in the air. anything you say can or could be held against you. saying something is hard, how you say it is even harder, the unknown is the hardest part.
to make a long answer long: do i think you should or shouldn’t say anything to them? i truly can’t tell you. i’m sorry! it’s so complicated! you can say something, you can not say something, but either way they’re going to do what they’re going to do until they don’t. all of this is out of your control. you may do all of this and they may never realize, or maybe not in the way you’d like for them to. you may not say anything and always wonder “what if?” you need to ask yourself: is this something you’re willing to watch happen? do you think you can stand to see this unfold all while being a pillar of support for them, regardless of the circumstance? or is it too much to see, and you feel like you would need to pull back? there’s no cut and dry answer, is there? if it were me (and it has been me many a time) i’d sooner be there for my friend, hating their partner all the way, than say something out of turn and lose them altogether. i have rarely said something, and if i have, i’ve been vaguely direct but supportive. to me, no person, however horrible, is enough to risk losing a friend whom i love and care for endlessly. but, with that said, it’s not easy to watch your friend go through something like this, and sometimes it may all just be too heavy of a load to carry. it’s not selfish to put yourself first if it means you can’t watch your friend go through it. it’s hard, girl. i know. but know that all of this care you’re giving to your friend goes a long way, whether you see the seeds growing or not.
this is a lot to take on. i hope you have other friends to help you work through this and, while i know you care about them, take time to let some of this stress go when the situation isn’t directly at hand. thinking about it too much leads to big big feelings that can sometimes lead to rash decisions, unprepared conversations, and things said that you wish you could change later. take care of yourself, put yourself first, and know that you’re trying to be the best friend you can. that takes a lot to do. you’re wearing it well.
thanks for trusting me! i love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my new advice column, remember? you can submit your question here! i answer them in the order they’re received! posted weekly <3