hey jules! what if i want to open up?
on assigning feelings qualities, changing your mind, and polyamory
Hey Jules!
My girlfriend and I got together saying we would be poly and we thought we were going to be a lot more casual/slow paced in our relationship than we ended up being (lesbians speed running a relationship, unheard of!) but she’s been through a really shitty past relationship with polyamory and tried working through it. For the last two months, we agreed to close things off for the time being to solidify our relationship, and that was nice! It’s been great, actually! She’s coming to the conclusion now, though, that she doesn’t think she can do polyamory, and I understand that completely. I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility for me either.
What are some things I can ask myself to really know if this is something I want? I never got to really try polyamory before, and I don’t want to promise something now and then realize I need to change my mind later. I’m such a lover girl, I know. I can give her everything and be happy, and I don’t want to lose this amazing girl, but what about the experiences I might not have because we’re closed off?
– greedy or grateful
Hey, Greedy or Grateful!
You sent this forever ago. I’m acknowledging that. I threw my laptop into the Hudson and had to wait for it to dry after I fished it out <3
There are a couple of layers to this, but I think that ultimately there’s one theme here: you are allowed to change your mind.
What do I mean by that? You’re allowed to realize that something does feel true that didn’t before, or vice versa. Sometimes you don’t even need an explanation or an understanding of it. Sometimes it can just be true, and then it’s your job to break that down. You’re happy in the relationship as it stands right now. That’s true! You went in expecting to be open– also true! Allow yourself to be surprised by your relationship as it changes.
I think it’s fantastic that you want to support your partner during this time and that you’re down to adjust and compromise! This is a really great foundation to build a relationship on. Remember, though, that you should keep the conversation going and recognize where compromise meets obligation, even if it’s with a meaningful intention. Stay monogamous because you’re supporting her and her feelings, and because you want to. Let the two be as 50/50 as you can. Of course, this may teeter with time. That’s normal, but be sure to check in with yourself and with her as you go.
As for checking in with yourself, try some self-reflection. Maybe journaling. Maybe try sitting down and talking the situation out to yourself. Try literally sitting down, saying all of the thoughts you’re feeling aloud. This helps me! Say all of your thoughts, even the intrusive ones to see how they sit in your gut. “I like being in a monogamous relationship with this person.” How did that feel? “I want to be open.” Eh? “I want to explore relationships with other people.” Does it feel half true? In my time doing this, I’ve come to learn what my gut feeling is versus anxious reactions that feel so urgent I’m worried they’re true. Say these things out loud and see if they feel true, not to see if they scare you. The truth can be scary, of course, but the truth will simply feel true, not shrouded in fear with anxiety’s dress and heels. Is that too woo woo to say???? Lmk.
It’s totally normal to be curious about the “what if” of being poly when you went into the relationship expecting it. But it sounds like you being monogamous is a pleasant surprise! I say live in that happiness and excitement for as long as it feels true. Sure, your mind will wander from time to time. Try not to feel guilty about this happening! But also stay in tune with that feeling. If you find that it becomes bigger and you fear your curiosity may get the better of you, then I say broach the conversation with her and see how it goes. Who knows, she could also be feeling the same!
It’s important to note: I don’t think you’re being greedy. I don’t think you should qualify (my therapist would love that I’m saying this) what you’re feeling. By doing so, you’re casting a judgment and assigning your desires and concerns a certain connotation. This stops you from looking deeper. You can’t get to know yourself well enough if you’re putting your wants, or possible wants, into “good” and “bad” boxes. Try to look at them as facts first, then you can assign qualities to them once you have an actual name for them. Maybe try journaling, too. Seeing these ideas written out and connected might also provide you with some clarity.
“I wrote in to hey jules! and all she told me to do was talk to myself and journal.” So real, sister. So real.
Ultimately, I think that if this person makes you happy, then you should lean into the relationship for what it is. Live in the moment, enjoy this time, and if you find you change your mind, that’s okay. Hopefully, you and your partner will have a productive and positive conversation where you’re able to hear each other out. If you had it in common to begin with, I think it’ll be an easy conversation to ease into.
I hope this helps. Also, happy pride!!!!! <3
Thank you for trusting me! I love you!!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember?
Questions are answered in the order in which they are received <3