hey jules! will we? won't we?
on "joke flirting", negging, and confessing your romantic feelings
hey jules!
I’ve found myself in an unfortunate predicament. I have developed romantic feelings for my friend who loves to “joke flirt” with me. At first, it bothered me but then I began to joke flirt back. But the thing is, every attempt, he sees through it and says something like “I don’t want to have sex with you” or “I’m never gonna date you” or “you’ll never feel my embrace”.
I guess my question is, do I let him know my feelings even if it seems like he already is aware of them? How do I get over these feelings while maintaining a platonic relationship with him? Is a platonic relationship with him even worth having?
– the butt of the joke
Hey, Booty!
I took too long to answer this, and for that I’m sorry. Selfishly, I hope you didn’t make a single decision until I weighed in on it. <3
I must be honest. I’m saying this with LOVE and because I want you to be prepared for the truth of the situation:
I hate this for you. Get out of this NEEEOWWWW.
I truly have no other nice way to put it. I am so sorry.
It seems like he’s entirely aware of your feelings and that he gets some kind of pleasure out of letting you think there’s hope, but also being mean to you. 1000% no. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve developed feelings for a friend. It sounds like you have actual, real emotions invested. I’d hate to see you get hurt because you’re not able to read the writing on the wall.
I want to challenge this line of thinking by asking you this: Why is it that you want to be with someone who makes you feel unsure and, from where I’m sitting, unsafe? Loaded question! Sorry!
Speaking anecdotally here, from the ages of 14-24 I wasted my time pining after emotionally unavailable people. It was always “I like you, but I can’t,” and “I’m not looking for something,” or “Let’s just stay friends,” or just being outright mean to me, like your situation. I cried and I cried and I journaled and I talked about it in therapy. I pined and I wondered why it was that nothing was working out for me. It took me years to realize that I was going after people who were emotionally unavailable because that was easier. In the end, I was going after these people with walls while building a wall myself. Without even realizing I was giving myself a reason to never have to be vulnerable with someone fully. You don’t have to share things about yourself if the person you want to share vulnerable things with is not able or willing to fully hear you. It took years of therapy and failed romantic endeavors to unlearn this behavior. I pursued people who validated my deepest insecurities and fears because I thought it was all I deserved. Maybe none of this has to do with you, and I just shared this for no reason, but I don’t think that’s the case.
Let’s say this person is interested in you, and all you need to do is confess your feelings. Then what? Do you really want to pursue a relationship with someone who has a history of not only deflecting your affections but also criticizing and making fun of them? This is not a healthy foundation to build a romantic relationship on, and honestly, it’s not the makings of a healthy friendship, either.
I’m sorry to be so curt, but I think you need to hear this! You’re deserving of love from someone who embraces your advances. Someone who sees the way you feel about them and puts those feelings in a nice pot to water and admire. That’s out there. Don’t settle for less.
Wishing you love and strength to think this all through and decide your next move! Remember, the choice is always yours!
Happy Juneteenth!!! <3
Thank you for trusting me! I love you!
xo
jules
hey jules! is my advice column, remember?
Questions are answered in the order in which they are received <3