ode to an armpit lump
what's in a lump, huh?
about two weeks ago i developed a lump in my armpit.
don’t worry!! i’m fine.
i went to the doctor (googled it) and it’s more than likely a clogged pore from my aluminum based anti-perspirant deodorant. my fucking “pH-balancing-never-fucking-smell-ever-again-in-your-life-just-coat-your-armpits-in-this-thick-perfume” gel stick. it used to happen all the time in high school, the lumps, but i was also shaving my armpits at the time. i think it was ingrown hairs back then, but now i only trim my armpit hair so it was probably not this time around. it was either a cyst or a clogged pore, but it hurt. it felt like a pimple in my armpit, only a bit deeper, bigger, and a bit more solid. so not like a pimple at all, actually.
sooo what’s the deal? every time i google “armpit lump” medical websites try to tell me i probably don’t but also probably do have cancer. it’s nothing to worry about, but also everything to worry about? i’m panicking typing in “armpit lump deodorant?”, “armpit pimple hurts?”, “can my armpit lump kill me?” and almost every time the result was a natural deodorant company popping up from the depths of hell to tell me that when aluminum is absorbed through the skin it can clog your lymph nodes. so i’m fine, right? does that mean i’m fine???
after some more research i’ve discovered that aluminum is only really found in antiperspirants, not deodorants. we smell like b-o when our sweat mixes with the bacteria already on our skin, so deodorant works to mask and neutralize that odor. as someone with hyperhydrosis, i’m more inclined to use an antiperspirant than i am a regular deodorant only because i don’t ever want to sweat at all. if i could put that shit on my face and under my tits i would. i use it under my pits because, yes i don’t want to sweat, but more importantly, i don’t want to smell like a wet onion. every single day i worry i could smell like an italian restaurant’s trash at the end of the night. natural deodorant would make that happen, right?
i was super pro-natural deodorant in college. i was anti-aluminum for years and posted info-graphics on my instagram story to spread the good word until one day i saw a meme about people who use natural deodorants stinking and i worried that i stunk and no one was telling me. smelling like funk is just like having something in your teeth in the way that people are mortified to tell you, so instead they just let you embarrass yourself. i didn’t want to become a meme while enjoying myself at a concert smelling like a nightmare. with all of this smell-conscious paranoia, i ceased usage. i stuck with the clinical strength 48-hour pH balancing gels and didn’t look back. only now i have more on my plate to worry about.
now back to miss lump: she wasn’t super hard but she was raised enough that i could see her, but the most casual part was this sort of flaming hot poker stabbing sensation right in my meaty bit. burning hot and pinchy feeling aside, it only lasted about five days and it went away as soon as i switched to native deodorant. so, no, it probably wasn’t cancer. i worried about the risk of dying, only to find out it’s actually not very high or supported by research. the lump was gone and now my armpits smell like eucalyptus with a little bit of sour pumpkin? is that just me? do i smell? would you tell me???
why can’t we smell ourselves? well, i looked that up too and it turns out it’s because our olfactory system, while intricate, complicated, and fully capable, gets lazy, i guess? over time we’ve become used to our own smells and become unaware of it. our brain is capable of filtering out a smell as unnecessary or just filler. i’m sorry, girl, who said you could do that? i know damn well my brain isn’t ignoring my b-o to let me be morfitied in public knowing full well i have anxiety surrounding it. get a grip, brain, whose side are you on?
i’m glad i was able to clear this painful lump up. i’m glad i don’t have cancer. i worry about smelling like a beach at red tide, but i’m choosing to rely on close friends and loved ones to tell me what’s up. i’m proud of myself for seeing a lump and saying a lump. i’m home free!
okay, can i be honest? i kind of miss her. we had some good times together.
i woke up, about two days after switching to native deodorant to a weird muffled humming. like, melodic humming. i sat up in bed, my sleeping mask too tight and making my eyesight blurry, my bonnet slipping off. pearl isn’t home. disco is physically incapable of humming. so who’s doing it?
i raised my left arm to adjust my bonnet and suddenly i heard it:
“hey ladies, when ya man wanna get buckwild, just go back and hit ‘em up style-”
my lump! she has a song to sing! and such a beautiful voice!
i lower my arm, just to test it, make sure i’m not going crazy. after a moment i lift my arm again.
“oh! when you go then everything goes. from the crib to the ride and the clothes. so you better let him know that if he mess up you gotta hit 'em up.”
hit 'em up style (oops!) by blu cantrell? how did she know i love this song?
before i knew it i had my hands up and we were singing together in harmony. i let her take the riffs at the end because they’re not in my range, and honestly? she tore it up.
she’s so talented, i’m sad she’s gone. maybe i should try and get her back.