i'm allergic!
a list for my loved ones. or enemies. for reference: i don’t own an epi pen.
meat
i found this out after a scratch test when i was about 17. turns out you can’t really develop a beef allergy and the only real cause of one would be a bite from the lone star tick causing a condition called “alpha gal syndrome”. #alphagal
after finding this out i went pescetarian. now i can’t eat beef or anything that isn’t poultry without a searing pain in my stomach comparable to contractions. i know this because the first time i ate beef by accident i was bent over my grandmother’s toilet naked doing the mental math wondering if i was pregnant and in labor.
i miss doritos locos tacos1.
avocados
it wasn’t always this way. i used to be able to slam guac down just like the rest of them. but after a few months of eating random stuff with guac in it i would experience really bad stomach cramps and nausea. figured it was because beef made it in somehow until i had avocado in it’s true form and later yakked.
i miss my mom’s guacamole.
fruit?
“that one’s not that big a deal though just drink a bunch of water if you get itchy and it’ll go away.” - my allergist
saving money (obviously)
the only way i can remedy the hives of thinking about starting a savings account is by staying up all hours of the night crying and stressing during the day. works as quickly as a benadryl2.
blueberries and kiwis (i think)
so this is not confirmed but every time i eat blueberries i’m terrified i’m going to have an allergic reaction. i haven’t eaten a kiwi in years but they just look like i’m allergic so i avoid them.
cats (technically)
i had a cat named clyde in high school. i have a cat named disco now. upon getting each of them i lived through a fit of sneezes for three months straight. i now can shove my face in her belly no problem.
scheduling therapy sessions
i always forget it’s tuesday. i always forget to text her that we’re on. or if we’re off. she’s very understanding and that eases the itchiness.
dogs (technically)
this will not stop me from getting a dachshund and naming it after a music genre. i’m thinking r&b.
australian pine trees (severely)
i found this out when i got that scratch test was like 17. about 15 minutes after the initial test i developed a huge welt in the middle of my arm. i figured it was shellfish (see below). i asked the lady what it was and she said “no, it’s a type of tree, actually” after consulting with her clipboard. i asked what would happen if i got near one. she smiled, more like a grimace, and shook her head.
doing laundry
if i don’t have one enormous stuffed bag of dirty laundry present in my room my throat gets itchy.
if i bring down a big heavy stuffed bag of dirty laundry down all four flights of my walk up i get stomach cramps and need to use my emergency inhaler.
“it costs like 20 bucks if you have the ladies at the laundromat do it. should take care of that right away.” - my allergist
shellfish (not anymore?)
i was like 15 on christmas eve and had a bite of a mini crab cake. after 10 minutes i broke out into hives on my arms and cheeks. my mom gave me a benadryl. she then took me to another holiday party and made me watch her dance as i was fighting sleep.
when i got my most recent allergy test two years ago shellfish didn’t come up.
“nope. don’t see it.” - my allergist
i really wanna have a lobster pasta or something on a night out, but i need to be supervised. i think i’m gonna make marcos3 do it.
calling my grandma
that bitch is crazy. i always say i’ll call her and i never do, even when she sends me $100 as a “hey, i love you, you should come visit me.”
calling her makes my eyes red. eye drops don’t help.
i think perhaps the real hive-inducing thought is becoming exactly like her.
you can develop an allergy at any time and at any age. go get an allergy test. asap.
i know i can have it with refried beans. i don’t want to hear that.
only in my case I don’t need to worry about the shadow man.
marcos is my boyfriend. i love him.