naked and afraid
the revamp, but still nude and anxious
you know when you write something a while ago and go “oh this was definitely not the strongest thing i’ve written, but i see where i was going there”? yeah, that’s how i feel about the post i made about naked and afraid a few months ago. i was looking for something to read at last month’s herbal supplements and decided to revisit it. it needed some work. nothing too crazy, just a little bit of a chemical peel, some filler, and an ice roller to reduce the swelling. we grow, we learn, we get better as we go!!!
so, here she is. be nice, would ya? tell her she looks beautiful.
i love the show naked and afraid. White People Suffering is my favorite genre. i love watching crazy white people think they can survive conditions that they absolutely cannot. it’s like colonialism with a happy ending.
if you’re not familiar, naked and afraid is a highly acclaimed (by me) program on the discovery channel that follows two people: one man and one woman (uh huh!) trying to survive in some random uninhabitable remote location. these two are left to stay there for 21 days with two items of their choosing, and are provided with a map, a lil sack messenger bag, their egos, and a camera crew. what could go wrong? over time producers learned to start giving these guys more stuff, but in the beginning you really get to see them struggle. the usual objects are a machete/some other Big Knife, a pot to boil water in, or a firestarter. one guy brought goggles, and another brought a magnifying glass. one time a guy brought a tent and his partner was like, “what the fuck? we’re in a swamp.” and production had to help them out. they ended up getting trench foot anyway.
i made pearl watch an episode that had some couple with enough chemistry that it made you wonder if they were hooking up. pearl was outraged, yet was absolutely enjoying it. i know they were!!! they asked me why they’re naked and my answer was, and will always be: because it makes them more afraid.
so who goes on the show? motherfuckers who are highly trained (sometimes) self-identifying survivalists and yet so many of them can hardly hang till the halfway point. every episode starts the same way: the two land near each other and strip down to their birthday suits before meeting. the now naked survivalists meet and have the same exact exchange every couple does: a joke about the fact that they’re naked (“we’re wearing the same outfit!”) followed by the most awkward, borderline sexually harassing comment made by the man in their talking head. the women laugh, uncomfortably, then pull the map out of their little messenger bag pouch– because they always give the map to the woman. every single time. after that, they wander around trying to make the best out of a shitty, but voluntary, situation. they walk a bunch, they look for shelter, they hypothesize how they’re gonna make it 21 days. these guys eat bugs, snakes, squirrels. everything. i read somewhere that some people have even been known to sneak into the crew’s stuff and nibble on the lil snacks they’ve got. sometimes these people go weeks having only eaten some nuts and, like, ants. they’re rated on a scale (not of hotness, of survival skill) and at the beginning and end, if they make it, they’re weighed and re-evaluated. these people leave 10-30 pounds thinner and traumatized and will only gain half a skill point because production didn’t think they slayed enough. one woman got altitude sickness, which i didn’t even know was a thing, and because she was so severely dehydrated the medic told her she had to leave the show. she lost almost three points. it wasn’t her fault!!!
one couple i can’t ever forget about was one white lady and a hispanic guy. it’s critical i mention that in the entirety of the show, i have only seen about a handful of brown people, less than seven for sure, and ONE Black guy. this man (i should know his name, but i won’t look it up) had some extra vigor. he was woo-hooing and bouncing and bee-bopping all over the place. he saw a lizard and was like “ooh we’re gonna eat that no problem!”, he saw a flat spot and was all “a bed fit for a king!”. three days in he went to production and said “i’m having thoughts of hurting myself and others”. production was like, “others!?!?” they shipped his ass off back to the states that same day.
these people are willing to die for this. there isn’t even explicit prize after this show. it took googling to find out they only earn, like, $8000, but after tax that’s nothing at all. this is JUST for bragging rights. they’ll withstand horrible conditions just for the chance to say they did it. one woman was sleeping next to a boiling pot while her partner was away and it tipped over and spilled down her back, giving her third degree burns. the medic team was like “you should go home”, and she was all “no, how will my sons know i’m a badass?”. i’m paraphrasing. they told her she had no viable way of keeping the wound clean and that it wasn’t a matter of if she would develop an infection, but a matter of when. she stayed. about two days later her back was leaking green and she couldn’t feel her toes. her lil burnt ass was shipped back to the states! in the most recent episode i watched, a guy was inches from hypothermia and insisted on staying because his girlfriend had done the show two different times before and he didn’t want to look like a bitch compared to her. he didn’t say that, but we all know it’s true.
you have to think about the fact that their decision-making is all fucked up because they’re hungry, exhausted, and usually sweaty. their survival skills go out the window. in one episode a couple ate a skunk and got food poisoning. in another this guy was all “i’m thirsty” and his partner was like “boil the water first” and he was like “but that stream looks so trustworthy.” we then see a close up shot of him slurping from the stream with a sound cue the second the water touched his lips. if i’ve learned anything from law and order: svu, it’s that a sound cue is a bad fucking sign. blackout: white text on the screen saying he’s got dysentery. he had the runs so bad he was leaving liquidy poop trails all around their camp. i think he had to leave early! the consequences don’t end when the cameras stop rolling, either. they get health screenings after and a lot of time they end up taking a lot of shit back with them. malaria, dengue fever, you name it. it isn’t worth it for them, it’s for our entertainment.
there was a point in the show when they ran out of shit do to so they invited the people like me on: the people who watch it and think it must not be that bad. these people have no survival experience! they just watch the show! they’re shown the basics and are thrown out there for 14 days and they go straight to bitchin’. “it’s a lot more walking than they show on tv!” now, you tell me if you think they last the whole time. go ahead! take a lucky guess.
i’ve seen almost every single episode and i can confidently say i wouldn’t last a day. i wouldn’t last FOURTY FIVE MINUTES. i know i’m descended from the islands. i know my ancestors did it. but i’m a city slicker. i have so many random fucking allergies. i maintain a certain level of outdoor incompetence. i’d fuck up trying to hunt a fish and stab myself. if i get bit by bugs i’m fucking my own shit up by scratching too much. i know no natural remedies. i can’t live with dirt under my nails. i can’t bring my hair cream with me? sunscreen? if i sleep wrong on my bed of pine needles and moss and get a crick in my neck i will inevitably develop a negative attitude. if i’m out there and i see a berry, and i’m hungry i’m eating it. i have a sensitive stomach! if i get the runs on national television i’ll be the one thinking about hurting myself and others. those white people can suffer voluntarily all they want and i will continue to watch it. i’ll stick to what i know, which is central AC, processed foods, and my vibrators. plural.