i get off of the phone with my mom after talking to her for more than 45 minutes about people she’s never met and i feel taller. she tells me about her ex friend’s son’s legal mishaps and suddenly my curls look like they’re bouncier.
pearl tells me about crazy people they know that i also definitely know. absolutely absurd antics by even more absurd people. has my skin always been this soft?
marcos tells me all of the mess he finds out from work. he flicks his hands out “dude, it’s cuh-razy.” no, like my teeth are whiter, right? they’re definitely whiter.
maria texts me screenshots of texts from someone who truly ain’t shit. that’s INSANE, girl. now my cuticles look so good all of a sudden. wow!
bryanna sends me screenshots of desperate texts from that same person. what are the odds!!!! my eyebrows looked like they trimmed and shaped themselves!
i’m kind of a professional gossiper because i hail from two epicenters of gossip: theatre school and restaurants1. in theatre school you know when someone isn’t off book in a class you’re not in. you know who’s boinking who and when. sometimes where! you know who went to faculty about what, and you know when it isn’t handled right.2 i have my BFA in Gossiping. my BFG, if you will. in restaurants, gossiping is the only other thing that keeps them afloat besides their regulars and POS systems. you do something and the entire staff knows by the time everyone’s clocked in. the walls are thin and people are willing to stop service to talk some shit. but hold on these drinks are dying on the pass. i’ll be right back.
when i gossip it’s like a siren’s song. i draw in beautiful suitors from all across the blue to hear my thoughts and opinions. i’m the most important person with the most important things to say and la la la la la la la i can’t believe they would say something like that and la la la la la la la well what did she expect if she cheated on him and la la la la la la la la la la la la la I think he’s nice I just think he’s a lil stupid and la la la la oh my god no WAY i thought they said they were quitting and la la la la la la la la la la la i mean i don’t really know what happened because i wasn’t there but i heard that la la la la la la la la la la la la la lalalalalalalalalala.
and yet if i find out anyone’s talking about me behind my back i have a fucking meltdown because i’m so worried about how people perceive me! no one else deserves to have opinions about me let alone speak on them. unless it’s me. and i’m on thin fuckin’ ice.
good things only people!!!! great comments and five stars all around!! wouldn’t change a thing!!!!!!!!
my mom tells me her friends were asking about me. and what did they say??? was it nice???????
i walk into a room and some assholes are all “oh we were just talking about you!” fucking shut the fuck up then!!! unless you were worshipping me, in which case, please go on. only this time: louder :)
i will say i learned my fuckin’ lesson when it came to gauging time, place, context, and motivation in gossping. there’s different kinds of gossiping. it’s an art!!! there’s the fun flirty kind where you talk about how you don’t like a friend’s partner (and you’re totally right), there’s the type where you get updated about something that you have no interest in or control of (so you can say whatever you want with no consequence), there’s the meeting of the minds where you and your friends come together to all get on the same page about something (“no like, that’s exactly what i was thinking”), you have the kind that’s just crazy and insane and doesn’t feel real (so it doesn’t really need any deconstructing), but then there’s the mean gossiping that almost always is about something too close or too sensitive (so you feel like you can say some mean and cutting shit). more often that kind of gossiping has an audience. that shit is especially heinous3 and unsustainable! i did a lot of that once upon a time. i talked a lot of shit. i was very mean. i didn’t care. i thought having a stance on something was more important than other people’s feelings. that’s not fair. or cool. or sexy. or nutritious. so i stopped. took time, took shaping, but i've chilled out immensely.
i learned that sometimes: your opinion doesn’t actually matter that much. sometimes: you’re not qualified enough to comment on something. sometimes: you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. sometimes: you’re the asshole! i learned that, but not before i learned that sometimes when you say unkempt shit: you get called out for it and sometimes: you deserve it!!!! being embarrassed by a shitty thing (or shitty things) i said was enough to get me to learn when to shut the hell up. sometimes: we gossip and get so stuck in the melody that we forget what we’re actually singing. and so when that shit comes back it’s all “hold up, i don’t think i know this song. is this the remix?”. yeah bitch, dj meanie servin’ up cold hits and cruel fucking comments. you’re a bad dj. like the ones that always yell over the song so it pauses every few seconds. it’s already a good song! shush!!
not cool. not fair. not sexy. not nutritious. it’s the rotten almonds of gossiping. the kids bop of gossiping. knock it off! or keep it going and truncate it before you tell me. put a nice lil bow on it. make it sexy.
gossiping is only fun and nutritious when:
it has no chance of getting back to you if you slip up and say something out of pocket.
there’s virtually no chance of it getting back to the original person/people.
it’s a means of connecting with friends. community building!!!!!
it’s fluffy and light.
you’re right.
i know gossiping kept us alive once upon a time because that’showhumanscommunicatedandleteveryoneknowwhatwasgoingonbecauseweneededtosurviveandwedidn’thavephonesorgoogleandhowelsewerewesupposedtocrossfieldsorcallsomeoneawitchandlalalalalalalalala but i’m not talking about that. i’m talking about the rush you get from just fuckin’ running your mouth. that little heat in your gut. i don't have nuts, but i imagine they'd feel like they were twinkling. it’s like using a qtip and getting to the really deep part. but like, for your soul. it’s so fucking good. i never wanna stop. but it comes with a price, bitch!!!! but also, who the fuck am i? people are gonna gossip how they want and when they want to. i have no clue what i'm talking about. c'est la vie4!!!
so for now: i shut the fuck up5 when people gossip near me. but a bitch do be listenin’. i take mental notes, i chip away at them like marble. i run to marcos. and pearl. and my mom. i bring them these little nuggets of gossip, and when i sing, they glow! everyone gets a nugget!!! i love this song!!!!!!
in summary: gossiping is part of the food pyramid, only talk about me if you’re in love with me, people were biologically designed to talk shit, if you’re gonna do it, do it- but know when to shut the fuck up!!!! or at least be ready to sing those 16 bars. in public. and this time with feeling!!!
why can’t i ever spell restauraunts??? restaraunts??
whoops! too soon?
dun dun!
“lah vee.”
for the most part :)
this whole thing is truth
the qTip line, im so on board
This is an amazing read (also you forgot the 6th type of ok gossip - shit stirring )